Overcoming Over-functioning

I’ve learned a big lesson today: I do not like the process of being a Youtube content creator. (I am currently in my Midnight Library phase of life and trying different creative jobs out). This article was intended to live there but I always feel I get my thoughts best out on paper (or in this case, a blog.)

Introduction

In cybersecurity, we talk constantly about single points of failure. We build redundancies and fail-safes so that if one tool breaks, the whole system does not go down. But as a leader, if you are the one always jumping in to fix things, the one who never sleeps, and the one who says “I have got it” to every fire or thinks “this all depends on me”, you are that single point of failure.

For a long time, I wore over-functioning as a badge of honor (which is often rewarded in the tech industry). I was leading a team that scaled from 5 to 10 people while also scaling multiple compliance and security programs, running a podcast, on the board of directors for a non-profit, and maintaining a heavy speaking schedule. I avoided rest because I believed it was not productive. I said yes to every request because the concept of boundaries were not in my vocabulary.

Without discernment, this feels like dedication, but it is actually a one-way ticket to burnout, an experience that finally caught up with me in 2024.

The Reality of Over-Functioning

This pattern stops being helpful the moment resentment shows up.

By over-functioning, I realized I was robbing my team of their ability to grow.I was also stunting my own growth because I shifted from leading a high performing team to simply managing people and their feelings (something I do not advise unless you are a licensed therapist).

Most importantly, over-functioning leads to decision fatigue. As a leader, decision making is the core of my job. And if you’re are avoiding decisions because you are exhausted from fixing unnecessary fires, you are not leading, you are reacting.

And because I am on a personal mission of being the CISO Leader for the world, aka your cybersecurity homegirl, let me put you on game because I am witnessing the trap of over-functioning in so many people these days. The belief I am seeing, and once had, is that if they stop “doing,” the value stops.

But the role of a CISO or a GRC leader, or whatever type of leader you aim to be, is to provide clarity, not just more labor. And I didn’t need more motivation. I needed perspective.

My favorite thing to do ever; talk about books ^_^

That’s why I wanted to share the following four books that helped interrupt patterns I could not see:

The first is Get Over “I Got It” by Elayne Fluker. This book is all about exploring the trap of hyper independence and the belief that strength means doing everything alone without needing support.

This book forced me to look at how I operating, both professionally and personally. At a former job, when I had an ambitious goal and decided to scale my team to ten people I realized that my need to “have it” was actually a way of blocking trust and collaboration with people. It helped me see that constantly saying “I have got it” is not leadership, it is fear disguised as competence.

The next book I check out was Playing Big by Tara Mohr. Both this book and the last book I just mentioned was a requirement to read as part of this women in leadership program I was in for 10 months. This book in particular focuses on the inner critic and how that voice of fear often sounds like logic to keep you from being visible. Between this book and therapy, I was able to understand how loud my thoughts were and the stories I was playing over and over that were keeping me small.

It helped me realize that over-functioning made me feel useful and reliable, but it also kept me invisible. Visibility is still an issue I am working through. If you are reading this, I am clearly getting better but I won’t lie to you and say I am 100% comfortable with being visible. To be honest i don’t know if I ever will.

But this book helped me realize that I was staying quiet in rooms where my perspective mattered because I confused being helpful with being impactful. This book taught me that leadership requires visibility, not just reliability

The third book on my list, Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwa., was one I found when I realized I was overextending entirely too much, both in my professional and personal life. This is a guide on boundaries, not as a source of conflict, but as a source of clarity.

And clarity is something I’ve made my purpose recently. I have a love/hate relationship with ambiguity. It use to be all hate. My partner would be proud, he’s from southside and if you know 50 cent then you know that hating is a mindset lol. I digress. I hated ambiguity because I’m a control freak, I like knowing what’s next, I like tidy lists, I like checking them off and knowing im going down a particular path.

That is the antithesis of ambiguity. And so now I seek clarity wherever I can: in relationships, in myself, in my work, almost everything. Ambiguity activates me and signals when something is off.

Before this book, I said yes to everything because I was afraid to disappoint people or miss an opportunity. I did not even know what alignment felt like. Setting boundaries gave me the space to show up intentionally rather than out of obligation, which made me a more effective leader and a better daughter, friend, and partner.

My last book was actually inspired by Doechii, one of my favorite musical artists, and a stylist I love to follow by the name of Kelly Augustine. Both of these women have credited The Artist Way as an impactful and healing journey into their creative lives.

For the longest I had a narrative that I wasn’t a creative person. And I am really glad I was proven wrong. So my last recommendation is the Artists Way by Julia Cameron

This book centers on recovering your creativity and trusting yourself enough to create without perfection. And babyeeee. Here’s another thing I am still working on: perfectionism. I told you I’m a control freak. I have high expectations for myself and my work. It drives me insane. Most times its useful. Some times it becomes a crutch to hide myself behind.

Perfectionism goes hand in hand with over-functioning and had convinced me that creativity had no place in my professional life. I was in constant consumption mode, and often reacting instead of pausing and reflecting before I react. This book taught me that creativity is actually a leadership skill that fuels curiosity and problem solving. Both of which are my favorite sim trait if you’ve played the game The Sims before.

These four books were the interventions I needed to change my perspective. Because something had to change in my life, especially while I was trying to dig my way out of burnout. But as a practitioner, I know that perspective alone is not enough to stop a 14 year habit of over-functioning. You need a system. You need a way to catch yourself in the moment before you default back into ‘fixer’ mode.

So I stopped leaving my leadership and life up to vibes and chance. Instead, I developed a simple rubric to protect my energy and ensure I am staying in my zone of impact. I call it the Am I Doing The Most Check, mainly because I am often doing thee most. And it is a tool I use whenever a new fire or situation falls into my lap.

Before I step in, I ask three specific questions:

• Is this actually my responsibility? (Because often we are doing things that are the responsibility and work of other people.)

• Does this require my decision or just my support? (I ask this because I always want to be helpful but I can’t live other people’s lives for them. I need to live my own. But I am an active community participant. So, is this someone else’s decision to make and how can I just support it?)

• What happens if I do not intervene right now? (This is key because if I jump in, I am solving other peoples problems. I take a beat now and let a situation someone brings to me marinate a bit or I reflect it back to the person so they can be clear if this is a me thing or for them.)

Using this system has allowed me to move differently. I check in with my energy often. I schedule rest instead of waiting to crash out. And most importantly, I give my team and the people around me the space and trust they need to grow, because I am no longer trying to save them from every possible failure.

I released the belief that I had to do everything alone or have all the answers before moving forward. These books did not teach me how to do more, they taught me how to choose better.

And if you are someone who’s ready to move from over-functioning to intentional impact, I offer Career Coaching to help you build your own path toward success.